My Worth is Not Determined by What I Do

Have you ever beaten yourself up or gotten in a tizzy because you didn’t think you were doing enough? Dumb question, right? I think most Type A, Achievers, Upholders, Obligers, 2s or 3s or nearly any number on the Enneagram, or whatever your personality test of choice is, have dealt with this at one point or another or possibly on a daily basis. And I think we can all agree that it. is. exhausting. Here’s the thing though: WE DO IT TO OURSELVES. Somehow, after years of using myself as a punching bag anytime I’m not stressed to the max or hustling from one thing to the next, this realization just hit me today, December 4th 2019. Oh, what a glorious day!!

I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Richmond, VA (where I have been and hardly ventured out of for the past three days). I’m here because my husband, Taylor, got a new job - an amazing opportunity and huge blessing that we are SO thankful for. However, the process of this job coming to fruition and the changes it requires has taken its toll on both of us. While we know that this phase won’t last long and that it will work out for our good, right now we are vagabonds. We bounce back and forth between our parents’ houses and hotel rooms. Please note, I adore my parents and his parents and am incredibly thankful we have multiple places to go during our time of nomadism. But having alone time with my mother asking “what did she just say??” and “did he catch that?!” about whatever game or show we are watching in the next chair over doesn’t really cut it. And my hot pink and turquoise-walled childhood bedroom stacked with trophies and old pictures doesn’t encourage romance, if you know what I mean. But this is where we are. Waiting for this company to tell us where we are going to live and when we will be moving.

While not having a place of our own is inconvenient, the most challenging part has been trying to live in uncertainty and the repercussions of not knowing what our next step is. While I am partially self-employed, which allows me the freedom to move a little more easily, as a trainer I am also unemployed at the moment and can’t do anything about it. As a control-freak, I’m losing my mind in this state of limbo. Poor Taylor has had to console me in two different Virginia restaurants now because of how little I like the unknown (surely I’m not alone here) and how much I miss our happy, little life in Georgetown, TX. I’m not much of a crier and hate showing that kind of emotion…ahem, a grown-ass-woman tantrum…in public, so neither of us know what to do with me right now.

So this morning, after I spent some time (which I have plenty of right now) reading my bible, I gave myself the freedom to sit and think about what it is that is actually bothering me about this situation. I woke up in an exceptionally grumpy mood about the fact that I have yet another day of being “trapped” in a hotel room with nothing to do, just waiting on Taylor to get back from training. Oh, the drama. As a sat in silence sassily repeating the questions, “what are you trying to teach me here, God? What lesson am I supposed to be getting out of this?”, I caught myself asking: “What am I supposed to be learning from my worthlessness right now?”. Woah. Where did that come from? My worthlessness? It seems that I have found the problem. It’s not my situation or the circumstances that are driving me batty, it’s how I measure my worth. It hit me that I feel worthless and like I lack value because I’m in a time of some stillness. I can’t go find a job or a bunch of new clients right now. I have more free time in my day than I’m used to…and rather than considering that a blessing, I’m making myself feel guilty for it??

This is in part due to my personality and part due to the culture we live in. We praise each for being busy, for working 12+ hours a day, for hustling and doing “the grind”. Don’t get me wrong, these aren’t necessarily bad things and sometimes we don’t have a choice but to live this way- I’ve been there where you have to do it all and work three jobs in order to pay your bills. The problem is that this is now how I define my worth. If I don’t have a demanding, high-stress job, I’m not working hard enough. If I don’t have to get up to work out at 5am, I’m lazy. If I don’t have a to-do list a million miles long, I’m not doing anything at all. If I’m not making a certain amount of money, I’m a failure. If I enjoy a time of calm and stillness, I don’t have a purpose, I’m not doing enough. I am worthless.

These are all lies I’ve been telling myself for as long as I can remember. In high school, if I didn’t have at least two practices a day after school followed by at least two hours of homework, I wasn’t doing enough to get into a good college. I wasn’t enough. In college, if I wasn’t working at least one job, serving on at least two committees, and filling up all my free time between my boyfriend and my YoungLife girls, I was lazy and not “serving” enough. I wasn’t enough. Now, if I’m not working a full-time, stressful job, making a certain amount of money, using my degrees, and keeping the house cleaned and dinner cooked, I’m failing at “adulting.” I’m not enough. This stops now.

In my questioning God this morning, He very clearly gave me an answer as the words ran through me: “Your worth isn’t defined by what you do or how productive you are or how many people you take care of in a day. You are already enough. I created you so specifically and strategically, and you are worth so much to me that I gave my Son’s life for yours, so that I can spend eternity with you.” My mom reminded me of the passage in Luke about the two sisters, Mary and Martha and their different responses to Jesus coming to their home. In this story, Martha is running around trying to get everything perfect and ready. She was “distracted by preparations” while her sister, Mary, simply “sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” Martha got frustrated by her sister’s apparent laziness and how her own work seemed to go unnoticed. Jesus’ response to her is one that I needed to hear, too: “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41). Hmm worried and upset about many things? Check. Distracted by preparations? Check. Trying to do it all, thinking that is what will earn me kudos and determine my worth? Check, check, check. This is Jesus’ declaration that we are enough and beyond that, sometimes sitting in stillness and just being with Him is what is better. Being at His feet and in His presence is the best reminder that we are loved as we are and enough as we are.

I see it on “tattoo ideas” on Pinterest and all of these different Instagram posts all the time: “I am enough.” Heck, there are countless influencers and bloggers trying to convince us of this daily (and here I am doing the same). I’ve always just seen it and thought, yeah duh. But I have never taken the time to actually ask myself if I believe that statement. Have you? Maybe because deep down I knew the answer. Today revealed to me that up to this point, I haven’t believed it. The story I have told myself is that I have to be doing something of value (whatever I determine valuable at that stage of life) to be valuable, and that’s just not true. The good news is that I have the ability to flip the script.

So, instead of basing my worth on what I’ve done or am doing, I know that I am worthy and so valuable because of who my Creator designed me to be. And now out of gratitude, I feel called to help remind someone else. If you are in a place of frustration, anxiety, fear, exhaustion, or just feeling down in the dumps about yourself, first know that you are not alone. Second, know that you don’t have to stay in that place. If you determine your worth by your career, your finances, your relationship status, your health and fitness, whether or not you are a mother, your social status….stop. Stop telling yourself lies. You are loved, you are worthy, and you are enough.

Now this is super important, I am not so naïve to think that me simply telling you to stop means that you are going to wake up tomorrow morning with a totally new perspective on yourself and your life. The irony of me writing this today is that two days ago, I did an exercise on how to break through my limiting beliefs (aka lies) about myself and how to create new “stories” that empower me to live the life I want. Yesterday I designed an entire session/workshop around this exercise to help my clients do the same. Today, I woke up with those lies trying to take over again and wreck my day. What I’m getting at is that this is a process and it takes practice. We’ve spent years being Marthas, telling ourselves what makes us valuable and worthy, so we can’t expect this to miraculously change overnight. So please, please don’t get discouraged or think all hope is lost if you are feeling all “Preach sister! I am enough!” right now and wake up tomorrow with that sinking feeling of needing to prove something. It’s a practice of letting it go. If it were easy, we would have done it already. But we’re in this together. If you want a little more help and strategy on how to really tackle these issues, I would love to help you with that and have tried and true methods of doing so, so please don’t hesitate to reach out.

For now, I am learning (note I am learning, not have learned) two things:

1) My worth is not dependent on what I am doing. I read somewhere (and for the life of me can’t remember where), that we are human beings, not human doings. I am enough when I am sitting in a hotel room waiting for my husband to go explore the town or spending time at home with my family, soaking up some stillness in my schedule. I am also enough when I feel like a pinball, bouncing around my day trying to talk to every client, coach all my classes, run all the errands, and am just stinkin' busy. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, I am worthy of love and good things because God says so and sacrificed Himself to ensure that.

2) Mary had it right. While there are times in which we have to hustle and God calls us to work, there are also times when He allows rest and opportunity to spend extra time with Him and His people. I got a phone call out of the blue from an old friend yesterday and we got to catch up and share life- something I normally wouldn’t have time to do. What a gift! I’m getting more time to study the Word and do some writing on it, and also develop content and improve my coaching program. This is something I’ve begged for time for in my prayers and when He gave it to me over the last couple of weeks, I complained about not having a job and doing something “useful”! So if you are in a period of slowness or stillness (I know that is rare these days) and feel a bit lost, be grateful for this time and allow yourself the freedom to rest in it and use it to replenish. Do things that give you life and joy so that you can pour out once you’ve filled up your cup.

Bottom line, I will echo all of the powerful women who have made this discovery in case you needed to hear it in a different voice or version: You are enough. I am enough. Your worth is not determined by what you do. What you do should be a reaction to the realization of how valuable and how loved you are.